Harder To Be Brave
by EstiRose
Summary: Sometimes the people who laugh the most are the ones hiding the most hurt. Ziggy really doesn't feel like he can be Ranger Green. Set shortly after "Go for the Green", before "Handshake". Warning for some suicidal ideation.


**Disclaimer:** Characters belong to a bunch of people who are not me. Okay, Maria belongs to me, but that's about it.

**Notes:** I've learned that sometimes the people who laugh the most are the ones hiding the most hurt, and I think even Ziggy can have his moments of doubt. Especially really early in his tenure as a Ranger. I'm setting this between "Go for the Green" and "Handshake", figuring enough time passes between the two episodes that Ziggy has learned to fight a tiny bit, get his jacket issued, get stuck with his limited wardrobe for the rest of the season, and bonds with the rest of the team.

**Warnings:** Suicidal ideation/thoughts.

**Harder to be Brave**  
**by Estirose**  
**c 2011**

"Ranger Operator Series Green, where are you going?"

Ziggy started as he was addressed, distracted momentarily by the full use of his title - kind of calling a kid by their full name, come to think of it. Dr. K's screen was lit up, passing not-so-silent judgement on what he was doing, which was trying to sneak as quietly as he could from his quarters out the Garage's door. His morpher and cell were sitting on his desk, though he hadn't left a note; he figured it was easy enough to find, once the others figured out he wasn't coming back. His room didn't have any real personal touches, either, given that it had been reserved for Ranger Green and he'd been told to move into it by Dr. K amid everything else.

Most of what little he had was packed in boxes sitting in his new room; easy enough to toss, or give away. There were one or two things out - enough to give someone the impression he was going to stay, but he wasn't.

Of course, being bonded to the morpher really sucked. He was no fighter and would never be one; he'd be, as more than one person had put it, a liability to the team. Which he very much agreed with.

"Out," he said after those few seconds of thought. Out, and he'd never come back, if he could help it. Of course, he was really good at getting people not to worry, or be suspicious, or anything, so he was confident that he could convince Dr. K that his new Ranger Green wasn't going to do anything rash.

"Ranger Green," Dr. K said, pausing only a moment, "You need eight hours of sleep to perform at optimum capacity, especially as you are to start your training regimen tomorrow."

Training regimen. Torture regimen, it really was. Besides, it wasn't like he was going to be there to go through it. "I can't sleep. So I'm going out." He considered promising Dr. K that he'd be back in time, but he didn't think he could manage that, so he decided diverting the good Doctor's thoughts was the way to go. "Besides, Dillon has insomnia all the time, and you're never on his case about it."

"Ranger Operator Series Black does not require as much sleep as you do," Dr. K informed him.

Well, of course he didn't, Ziggy wanted to shout. Dillon was, after all, part machine. But that was something he wasn't going to argue about right now. So he just grinned. "I might just surprise you," he said.

"If my initial scans are correct." Dr. K said, but he was starting on his way to the door, no longer interested in what the Doc had to say. He'd been through a lot of scans since he became Ranger Green. "Ranger Green, don't leave while I'm talking to you-"

He was opening the door before Doctor K could say anything more. "Sorry, Doc," he said apologetically, before hastily closing the door.

It was a cool night, he thought, though not too bad, just enough to need his jacket. He'd hole up in a cafe or something until the sun rose. Of course, Dr. K might send someone to go after him, likely Dillon. He'd have to find someplace that Dillon wouldn't think to look. And if it took Dillon long enough, Scott, Summer and Flynn would probably be sent out too. Best be dead shortly after dawn, so they wouldn't have to search long. If he provoked his former associates enough, he'd die before anybody could get to him, assuming he avoided Dillon.

Death by the gangsters he'd crossed. It wasn't his choice of death, but anything else, and somebody might intervene and save him. His teammates didn't know his past, though Dillon certainly knew he'd pissed somebody off. He was hoping that Dr. K thought he'd gone to offer the mob his services, not to be killed by them, if worst came to worst. Maybe it would be easier that way.

He walked the streets, wondering if he'd be mugged or something. Or someone might shoot him to rob him. Well, as long as they killed him, he'd be all right, because he didn't think he could take a hospital stay, along with making everybody think he was even more incompetent, and Dr. K never allowing him out of the Garage again, except on missions.

"Hey, Ziggy!"

He smiled a little as he recognized the voice. Maria, one of his fellow orphans. They'd never been really close, but they'd recognized each other when they'd both ended up in Corinth, and having that bond was what mattered, even if they didn't really keep in touch.

"Maria!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing?"

"Late lunch," she said, jerking a thumb at a nearby café. "Graveyard shift has its disadvantages."

He had enough money for a last meal. And, he thought, how much more pleasant could it be, than to spend a bit of time in the company of an old friend? When she went back to work, he'd remain and plan what he was going to do to avoid his not-teammates.

"If you don't mind, I can join you. Well, if you want." He gave her his most earnest smile. "I'm hungry." He'd had the lightest dinner he could manage without making anybody suspicious, especially Dr. K.

"I'll be glad for the company," Maria grinned back. "Did you get a graveyard shift job, or insomnia?"

"Insomnia," Ziggy said, running his hand through his curls. "I got a new job, and I kind of don't get along with most everyone there."

That had to be an understatement. Nobody knew what to do with him, except make him feel even more useless.

"How'd you end up there, then?" Maria asked, wrinkling her nose a little. "Impressed the boss, and nobody else?"

"Well, I was kind of forced into it," Ziggy said. "And they were forced to hire me. Really weird circumstances. It's kind of a long story." He flashed her a small grin. "I'm doing my best to get de-hired, and I'm sure they'll go along with it."

Especially since he was going to be dead. That kind of made everything moot.

"What kind of job did you get?" Maria asked. "Ziggy, did you get involved with the Cartel again?"

Ziggy shook his head violently. "It's… real complicated." Thank goodness that almost nobody knew that there was now a Ranger Green, and he had the suit. "But I'm good at getting out of things." He'd just, well, never thought of death as a way of getting out of work.

"Ziggy?" Maria asked, peering at him. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," he said, still smiling. "Let's go eat, okay? I'm starving."

He was kind of hungry, after all. And the more people not worrying about him, the better.

"Okay," she said doubtfully. Ziggy knew he had to distract her, but he wasn't sure how. He'd just have to allow his charm to shine through.

She let him usher her into the café, and he carefully chose a seat facing the window, but not easily seen. That way, if Dillon came by, he'd have enough warning to duck. Not that Dillon would probably know where to look. Dillon didn't know him that well, thank goodness.

He ordered scrambled eggs and hash browns; a little comfort food, something to feed body and soul for the last time. Maria ordered a sandwich and salad. Hers was a lot healthier than his, but did it matter, really?

"So," she said, "Are you in trouble again?"

He forced himself to smile. "Kinda. Sorta. But I can take care of it."

"What did you do this time?" she asked, folding her arms. Ziggy suddenly wished they'd hurry up with the food so he wasn't going to fall apart.

"Um." On the other hand, maybe this was the only chance he'd have to let someone know kinda what was going on. "I kind of pissed off some important people. When I got hired."

Maria facepalmed. "Ziggy….."

"I'm trying to find a way to make it better." Like dying. "It's just… I haven't found quite the right solution yet." A little lie, to make things better. Or maybe he didn't want to die.

"Ziggy, what did you do to fuck things up?" Maria asked. "I mean, seriously…."

He winced. "It's not anything I can't fix, really." His way of fixing things was a little extreme, but hey? He was a screw-up, and Maria's words had only reminded him of it. At least she was honest about things.

And he really could have come up with a way of saving the morpher from Tenaya 7 without bonding it to himself, though he wasn't sure how. Just… some other way that didn't involve him becoming a Ranger for the rest of his life.

"Ziggy," she said with fond exasperation. "Hey, can I help at all?"

"Nono." He waved her off. "I can fix it myself, really." After all, he could hardly ask her to kill him, and he seriously doubted she was an Attackbot in disguise.

"You sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure. Really, really sure. 'Cause there was never a mess that the great Ziggy Grover couldn't get himself out of, yeah?"

"If you wouldn't get yourself into these messes in the first place..." She sighed. "How'd this one happen?"

"That's... too complicated to explain." Most of the population of Corinth adored the Rangers and what they did to protect the city. To be a Ranger would be a dream come true for most of them, and Maria wouldn't understand why he, Ziggy Grover, did not want to be a Power Ranger.

Or was trying to end his life so that they could find a Ranger Green that could actually Ranger.

"Try me." She folded her arms, leaning forward. "I'll do what I can to help."

She'd always been well-intentioned, he remembered, if nosy. But this wasn't something she could help with.

"Um..."

She glared, and he gave her a smile.

"I can't fix what I don't know about," she told him once more.

"Honestly, Maria, you really, really can't fix this one." He leaned back, though, and considered leaving. Having company was turning out to be more complicated than he thought.

As she was probably going to get more insistent, the food arrived. Ziggy silently thanked the cook and server for its timely arrival. "Don't think you've gotten away so easy," she hissed, before she started on her food.

He started on his as well, relishing the taste. Dr. K had started talking about diets along with the training and everything else that he felt he needed to subject Ziggy to, and Ziggy was glad he didn't have to worry about that anymore.

About halfway through their meals, Maria looked up. "Hey, a Ranger!"

"Ranger?" Ziggy's head shot up, and he looked around.

"Outside," Maria said, voice hushed. "See him?"

Oh, yes. Dillon was standing outside, arm with morpher raised. Probably talking to Dr. K. Looking for him. Ziggy wasn't sure how he'd gotten to the right place so fast, but he had to keep Dillon from noticing him. He thought about excusing himself, but any movement might attract Dillon's attention.

At least he presumed that's what Dillon was there for. Maybe he'd get lucky, and Dillon was looking for something else.

"Yeah, I see him." He kept his voice quiet as well, just because he was still not sure how well Dillon could hear.

"Wonder what he's doing here?" Maria asked, fascinated, and Ziggy was suddenly glad he hadn't said anything about Rangers.

"Mission, maybe?" Ziggy said. At least Dillon hadn't looked their way yet.

"It must be important, for him to be up in the middle of the night," Maria told him, and Ziggy wished he could tell her that Dillon didn't sleep much.

Then Dillon was looking into the cafe, and Ziggy froze, hoping Dillon couldn't see him. His heart stopped beating for a moment as Dillon seemed to walk away, and then started beating faster as he saw Dillon in the cafe's doorway, and then Dillon was walking his way.

Well, at least he knew that Dillon had been searching for him.

"Hi, Dillon," he said weakly as Dillon sat down at their table. "Um, what brings you here?"

"You," Dillon grunted. He looked... well, not happy, even for Dillon.

"Um, I guess Dr. K's kind of pissed, right?" Ziggy said, wondering how he was going to get Dillon off his tail in order to get things done.

"Yeah," Dillon said. "You could say that. He said to give you these."

Ziggy didn't have to look to know that Dillon was going to give him the Series Green Morpher and Engine Cell. For one, it made sense, and for another, he could feel them nearby. He took them, ready to shove them into his pockets.

Dillon's glare told him that it wasn't going to work; he was going to have to put them on. Sighing, he put on the Engine Cell and then strapped on the morpher.

Maria was staring at him. "Ziggy... you... that new job? You're a Power Ranger?"

He winced. "Um, yeah."

"And you're upset about it?" She was still staring at him. "Do you know how many people would jump to be a Ranger, it's just that, well, not everybody gets the chance?"

"Yeah," Ziggy said, looking down. It was an awesome responsibility, he knew that more than anybody else. And he wasn't responsible enough for it. He was the one, after all, who had bonded to the morpher when nobody had asked him to.

Getting into trouble, as usual. Typical him.

"I can't fight, you see, and I mean I did keep the bad guys from getting the morpher, but, um, I wasn't exactly supposed to bond with it."

"Ziggy," she said, "You can learn how to fight. It's kind of harder, I think, to learn to be brave." She started smiling, a little. "Who'd have guessed you had a hero in you?"

"Not me," he said, and caught sight if Dillon, still glaring at him. "Um, maybe I should finish breakfast." Maybe Dillon would get bored.

"Box it up," Dillon said, motioning at Ziggy's food.

"Um, right." One did not cross Dillon when he was that cranky. He signaled for a box.

Once they'd left the cafe and the curious Maria behind, Ziggy got the courage to speak up. "So, um, how'd you and Dr. K find me?"

Dillon shrugged. Ziggy could see Dillon's car up ahead, wishing for once that he wasn't going to get a ride in it. "Something about some temporary flare in your biofield that'll fade in a day or so," he said.

Ziggy winced, remembering all the scans he'd gone through the previous day. "Oh." Well, that made things a bit harder.

They drove back to the garage, Ziggy's attempts at banter met with stony silence. His stomach dropped as they entered the Garage, and he wondered if everyone was going to know that he walked off without his morpher.

At least they wouldn't know why. All they'd know is that he walked off without it, and hopefully they'd put it down to him being stupid and not suicidal. He didn't want to think of what Dr. K would say if he thought his newest Ranger had suicidal tendencies.

"Er, we're back," he said, aware of how pathetic he sounded.

"I can see that, Ranger Green," Dr. K's disembodied voice told him curtly. "And is there a reason you departed without your Cell and Morpher?"

"I didn't want you yelling at me," he said, hand behind his head. It was a plausible enough lie.

"Ranger Green, may I point out that Venjix's forces know your identity, and that you are vulnerable without your cell and morpher?"

"Um. Yeah. I thought of that after I left." Of course, vulnerable was what he'd been trying for, even would have worked had it not been for Dr. K.

That made him sound like a Scooby villain, and he had to grin at that.

"This is not funny, Ranger Green," Dr. K told him severly. "I'm restricting you to base until I can trust you to defend yourself and exercise common sense."

Yeah, that would definitely put a dent in his plans. There wasn't much he could do about it, though. He wasn't going to risk the morpher going to Venjix's forces, after all.

"Hey, I know how to defend myself!"

"Your fighting ability is subpar, Ranger Green, this is why you need training."

Ziggy tried to think of a smart remark, but his heart wasn't in it. "Okay, Doc," he said, with a touch of the smile that he'd given the screen previously.

"Go to bed," Dr. K said, and Ziggy gave the screen a half-hearted salute before heading upstairs.

To his surprise, Dillon was trailing behind him. Well, maybe he had to go to sleep too. Or maybe he was going to the roof to brood. Ziggy didn't really care; he had his own bedroom to go to, even if he was too wired to sleep. As Dr. K had pointed out before he'd left, he had training in the morning, and he was so not looking forward to it.

He stepped into his quarters, and to his surprise, Dillon followed him in. He looked at his friend questioningly.

"We have to talk," Dillon said, and Ziggy wondered why it couldn't wait until morning. Of course, morning could involve three more Rangers who didn't like him, so he supposed it could be worse.

"We do?" he said, trying to beam at Dillon.

"Yeah, about you walking out of here without your morpher," Dillon said, his face serious. Unfortunately, he wasn't exactly being charmed by the returning Ziggy Grover charm.

"Okay, I know, I know, that wasn't the world's smartest thing to do," Ziggy said, holding up his hands. "Hey, I've had a lot happen to me in the last couple of hours." He'd talked his way out of plenty of things in the past, and he was definitely getting himself back together. Funny thing about having to lie; sometimes the fake smile became the real thing. "And, hey, I'm kind of not used to this whole Ranger job."

He still didn't want it, and he'd walk away and make sure the power was freed up if he had a choice. But there was no way that Dr. K would let him out of his sight for a while, and maybe Dillon was a little rattled too. He'd like to think he and Dillon were friends, though he didn't know if Dillon considered things the same way.

Dillon just looked at him as if that was the stupidest thing he'd ever said. Maybe he wasn't buying the act.

"Hey, there was nothing to be worried about; I can take care of myself, really."

"Really." Dillon's frown seemed to be deepening.

"I know how to run," Ziggy pointed out. "If I'd been in trouble, I'd be running for safety. I'm really good at that." Not that he would have run, but Dillon didn't need to know that. "So, no need to worry. Really."

Dillon made what could have been a sigh, but this was Dillon. So he wasn't sure. "Go to bed," he said finally.

Ziggy smiled at him, closed the door, and collapsed into bed, exhausted, smile gone. It was funny, how he could pretend that he was happy sometimes, even when he wasn't. But he was alone now, and he burrowed under the covers. In the morning, he'd smile and train and try to work into the team's hearts. That night? He didn't know what to do.

Maybe everything would be all right. As Maria said, he could learn to fight; being brave was a lot harder, and it had been kind of brave – and cheeky – to do what he'd done, bonding the morpher and powers to him. But he didn't really feel like it.

Sighing himself, he closed his eyes. Maybe tomorrow would be better. He'd just have to see.

-end


End file.
